of Rants

This was a post written by me a couple of years ago, on a dark night, awaiting the start of 2015.

The human mind is a onerous wonder. The sheer capacity of the thoughts it can tolerate is overwhelming. Scary as well. A lot of what I write here will not make sense to you. You see, I promised myself that I am not going to look back at the negative time of 2014, and just focus on the positives. So what comes out here, is a story without a context. A drama without a script. But that’s okay I suppose. I am not writing for you anyway. I am writing, because I need to get things off my mind, because I frankly have reached maximum thought capacity. So just like Dumbledore offloading his memories into a pensive, I’ll try my luck doing the same here.

I feel…dejected and lonely right now. I chose to be alone tonight, because that’s how I have always done New Year’s. But somehow, somewhere in the need to be alone, lies a desperate plea for attention; and company. Do you know that feeling you seemingly just can’t shake off? The one which makes you predict inevitable doom and sadness? The gut feeling that makes you think that things are going to go wrong? That’s the one. I want this to be a fresh start. One of my favorite TV show characters once said something, which is accurate to describe my anticipation and feeling for this upcoming year

But that’s the magic of New Year’s.
When that clock strikes midnight, we all get a fresh start.
And I don’t know about you, but I could really use one.

I really can use a fresh start, but somehow I have this sense of forbearance that the start will be stale. Rotten. That I am doomed to suffer, just like I did in this year. What if this year is worse than the previous one?

Oh! Another thing you should know about me. I overthink. In fact, I overthink so much, that I overthink about whether or not I overthink about overthinking. Anyway, while I was on one of my overthinking sprees, I ended up thinking about a Phoenix. I always was mystified by the mythological creature. Fiercely loyal and loving, they go to any extent to protect the ones they care about. But here’s the curious thing. Phoenixes never die. These bright red and yellow birds simply burn and reemerge from their ashes. Seems cool right? It is.

Have you ever thought about what the phoenix thinks though? Essentially, the only way for a phoenix that is hurt or aged or simply wants to escape, is self-immolation. Think about it. What was the first phoenix thinking? It probably burned itself to escape from a horrible life. But it got him a fresh start. The pain, the fire, the burning, all of these were just necessary elements in the process of survival. Maybe that’s what my pain is. Maybe that’s what everything I am feeling right now is. The fire before the rebirth. The phoenix gives me hope. I hope the new year is good. I hope that this is my trial and the future, my salvation. Who knows?

I’ll end this abruptly as I don’t know what else to say(or to write).

Note: This post was originally published on of Thoughts and More here

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