I always identified myself as a happy person. And I was, truly. Think of songs like Drops of Jupiter, which describe girls with happy smiles, not a care in the world, bursting into dances, hair flying with ease in the summer. The songs about laughs that make you smile, so infectious that you just cannot be grumpy around these people. Think Colbie Caillat, beach movies and young love. Things that can brighten your day by just thinking about them. I saw these movies, heard their music and strived to be that girl. And for the most part – it was easy, it came naturally to me. I think I did actually become that girl.
But then something along the way changed. Do not roll your eyes, this is not a post about teenager angst. Yes, we all change as we grow up. Maybe because we deal with more intense stuff, or maybe because we envision the worst. Most of us become this way- a little less happy, a lot more guarded as we grow up. I guess you could categorise this as the same story.
My story is a little more different. I’ve become a very angry person. The worst kind, at that. I’m the person who internalises their anger. I do not yell at unsuspecting friends for no reason, nor do I shout out at family when they ask me something. I’m the kind that clenches my teeth and then realises that someday they’re all going to turn to powder. I’m the kind who slowly, has become a recluse because whatever anyone says just manages to piss me off. I’ve become the person who would not believe in the problems you have and you rant to me about, because I believe I have the biggest problems in the world. But when I think why am I possibly so angry? What could be the reason? There really is not anything out there. Sure, I’ve had my issues with boys, maybe grades, sometimes even friends. People have disappointed me, but hasn’t that been the case with everyone?
What is it that changes us completely, from the fibre of our being? Not a temporary sadness, but just constant bitterness. A state of being, that we do not recognise ourselves? As you meld away from what you used to be, something that defined you everyday, each day and become the complete opposite of that. There has to be some reason to that, surely? It cannot be so easy to change 21 years of actions and reactions?
I find myself being curious about the when more than the what and the why. I have reasons in my head as to why I’m angry, and that’s a story for another time. But when? At what point did I become someone so different? Was it a gradual change that I’m just realising now? Or did I wake up one day and had all this anger inside of me? Moreover, how long does this last? Is this a phase, or is this who I’m going to be now? Someone who is bitter at 21. Not a very exciting thing to look forward to.
Maybe (Hopefully) we work out our issues. Maybe we don’t. Maybe this is who I’m going to be. The truth is, I’m not really going to ever know. And that, that uncertainty really scares the shit out of me. But hey, someday I might just hear Drops of Jupiter again, and think that the song is definitely about me and dance to the beautiful music that Train produces.